They (whoever the hell "they" are—Illuminati?) say that fashion and beauty trends are cyclical, and everything comes back after about 20 years. That means we're smack-dab in the middle of the '90s again. I've totally been there and done that, in middle and high school, and it was all terrifyingly terrible. With those feelings in mind, I've taken these boomeranged '90s beauty trends and given them a slightly modern tweak so I can avoid flashbacks of the most awkward time in my life. Now I will be able to continue living like a friggin' human being, for the most part, without having to listen to a Jock Jams compilation album on repeat.
Chocolate Rain Nails
Yes, I used a "Chocolate Rain" reference in 2014. I know not what I do. The bad mofos at Floss Gloss sent me a sample of Blood, Suede & Tears a while back, and I have never gotten around to using it until now. There's a reason for my madness: I have deep-seated issues with chocolate brown nail polish. It was my polish du jour (for every jour) in high school, so I'm almost still burned out on it. Like the Celine Dion Titanic song. They're both still filed under "too soon" in my brain.
But then I actually TRIED this polish, and it's pretty damn boss. I decided to top it off with my OPI Matte Top Coat to give it a more leathery look, and it looks zero percent like my high school nails, but still has a hint of that '90s vibe. IN YOUR FACE, 1998!
Brows to the Max
OK, so maybe the '80s are the most known decade for big-ass brows, but I refuse to think about sperm-y eyebrows of the mid to late '90s. I can't. I'm talking those lush-to-death Linda Evangelista brows that just won't quit. Those things are bad boys for life. (You know Puffy's going to try to sue me now.)
The biggest, boldest brows are built in two steps. (And in a day. Take that, Rome!) First, create the shape of the brows you want with an eyebrow pencil that's a couple of shades lighter than your hair color. Because this is the part that really shows on your skin and doesn't stick to your hair, you don't want the pencil to be dark and superobvious. After you've penciled up, fill in the stencil you've created with a slightly darker-than-your-hair brow powder. Always follow the direction of the hair growth of your brows to keep them looking natural and non-tattoo-like. Viva la bushy brow!
Kate Moss-esque Zero-Effs Grunge Hair
The queen of '90s-I-don't-even-care-about-anything-I-just-happen-to-be-hot-and-my-boyfriend-is-Johnny-Depp hair is obviously Kate Moss. Kate's like, Wheeee! I just woke up this way! Next to Johnny mf-ing Depp in his sexy prime! I have quirky and adorable teeth! I kind of paved the way for Kirsten Dunst! I never got a thank-you letter for that, but I'll let it go! Frozen! Adele Dazim! Isn't my hair so damn recklessly fabulous?"
Here's the best thing about this '90s-hair resurgence: It's perfect for lazies. It really looks best with air-dried, messy hair, and this takes almost zero effort. And really, second-day hair works even better, if you can stand it. I usually can't do second-day hair sans chapeau (thanks, seven years of French), but I treated my slightly oily hair here with the Jonathan Dry Dirt spray (which I was given a sample of) to sop up a little grease and add some texture and volume. My non-blow-dried hair is as limp as the limpest noodle (insert your own dirty joke, freak-a-leeks), so I've been using Dry Dirt on the daily, and it's the perfect mix of texture with a teensy bit of hold. The cherry on the '90s-hair cake (that's disgusting) is a deep side part, so part it up. OK, where's Johnny Depp? Side note—how often do you think JD washes his hair? Twice a month, tops, I bet.
Gloom n' Doom Lips
Remember, like, seven paragraphs ago when I told you I was almost irreparably damaged in my beauty brain by my own brown-nail history? I pretty much felt the same way about dark lips, man. As you can see in exhibit A above, I really favored dark brown lips in my teenage years. So when the dark-lipped trend recently reared its beautifully monstrous head again, I had to find a way to flip the script to let the darkness back into my life, without feeling like I was participating in a horrible Freaky Friday–like experiment.
I achieved this by pretty much living and dying by this picture of Lily Collins when it comes to dark n' lovely lips. Instead of a brownish-based lip, I favor deep reddish burgundy, like Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. For maximum impact, I keep the rest of my mug relatively on the down-low and let my lips do the talking. It's like my old-school brown-lip game with a new-school twist. As for my choker collection, it's been put out to pasture. Sorry, world, I'm not ready.
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